episode 165 - reflects like mirrors

as i go out and home
i feel that always something is not right.
either me or my surroundings.
i had plan always
and tried to follow according of what i planned.
everytime it failed over and over again.
why?
is it me or thats something that he doesnt wanna me to proceed.
is this it?
am i always this hopeless?

why cant i be like anyone else?
people got something to make themselves go work every single day.
why cant i be the same?
i also wanted to go to work with motivation.
i also do wanted to do things accordingly.
is there someone holding me back?
is there something that had been trying to say dont go.

why is there things that had been blocking every single time.
im not cheating in every single way.
i try not to lie to every person i met.
i dont bring down others.

is it really hard to be in a way?
how long will i keep up?
why cant my parents see that my brother is an ass.
and not me.
i know im not done my part as an elder.
but cant you see?
im struggling as much as i could to hold on everything i've got?

its always hard on me.
and everytime it just hit me hard and fall back to the ground.
i always wanna the best thing to every single damn thing in life.
have fun, got a career, laughing hard.
it just got worse.
im keeping it cause its no use for me to think.

everytime i close my eyes,
is this the end that i should just hold back and think?
why am i over reacting to certain amount of time.
why do i need a gf? 
i can support myself and i know i can do it easily.
why cant i pretend that i dont have anyone and just myself and do it on my fucking own.
if this matters the most, why wouldnt i start from the start?

i really need to change my lifestyle.
seriously.

Episode 164 - imperfection

hey! 
i never came to this website for quite sometime
this is the place where i can post up my grudges and etc,
and here we go

hey ilyas in the future, 
if you're reading this, its good to know
and hopefully you're stabilising yourself right now
and getting prepared for something is worth to wait.
i have nothing on me right now. 
and remember, you've lost one beautiful girl
do not worry, if i had the chance to reflect
i would do so.

and as far as i go,
i feel shitty.
its true that friends come and go,
but do not worry, they leave and come for a reason.
you know whom been there for us and whose not.
i dont usually judge the person quickly,
but observing the behaviour is really in a correct manner.
i do make mistakes now, and so do you.

i hope you would remember this, 
please dont go and give up the life that we had put this through.
earn as much as you can and keep on living.
you still have time to repent and do stuff that you actually can do.
scootering, cycling and longboarding.
paintballing is a so so commitment.
but to think back, just try, everything has a first try.
being in a manner that no one knows how much you been through,
keep it real and always had head held high.
this isnt the end yet for everything.
there's always something to learn everyday.

make yourself as a responsible person and take care of our parents,
feed them, give them hope and faith to live.
as long they know that you've changed for the better.
and i will always be within you to fulfill the changes.
i know who doesnt like changes. 
words can never bring you down.
it may be hurt the most.
but what hurt the most to others is that,
you can keep smiling on the things you can be proud of.

this is the longest by far as i know.
through blogger, there's alot of things you can express out.
be it in a diary, notebooks, or some sort you can store your feelings through it.
the main point is, never stop believing and keep the hopes high for something great.

in the near future, if ikaa leave you, see what is above i just wrote.
no one will stay. things will always keep moving never ending. 
slowly does it and gain things back. 
give rewards to the things that your parents did and etc.
being you is you. everyone loves you.
if you're single, always think,
friends whom help friends is the friends that will cling to you
no matter what.

dee is one of them, emily was there when you were hurt.
predicx is someone whom you can hope for to be happy.
ahzi is the one whom always been with your back.
marl and yuskhaire is the new friend that brought to the depths of happiness.

think of them and they never leave you.
and always pray so that allah can hear your prayers.
pray for something good and good will always come
for those who waits.

earn, pray and keep calm.
insyallah everything gonna be fine.