episode 165 - reflects like mirrors

as i go out and home
i feel that always something is not right.
either me or my surroundings.
i had plan always
and tried to follow according of what i planned.
everytime it failed over and over again.
why?
is it me or thats something that he doesnt wanna me to proceed.
is this it?
am i always this hopeless?

why cant i be like anyone else?
people got something to make themselves go work every single day.
why cant i be the same?
i also wanted to go to work with motivation.
i also do wanted to do things accordingly.
is there someone holding me back?
is there something that had been trying to say dont go.

why is there things that had been blocking every single time.
im not cheating in every single way.
i try not to lie to every person i met.
i dont bring down others.

is it really hard to be in a way?
how long will i keep up?
why cant my parents see that my brother is an ass.
and not me.
i know im not done my part as an elder.
but cant you see?
im struggling as much as i could to hold on everything i've got?

its always hard on me.
and everytime it just hit me hard and fall back to the ground.
i always wanna the best thing to every single damn thing in life.
have fun, got a career, laughing hard.
it just got worse.
im keeping it cause its no use for me to think.

everytime i close my eyes,
is this the end that i should just hold back and think?
why am i over reacting to certain amount of time.
why do i need a gf? 
i can support myself and i know i can do it easily.
why cant i pretend that i dont have anyone and just myself and do it on my fucking own.
if this matters the most, why wouldnt i start from the start?

i really need to change my lifestyle.
seriously.