Episode 187 - Work It Out

 So basically today is really tiring that's one and the other is, for one whole shift today i gotten 27 orders in total. Pretty good for myself tho. Order after order non stop. But coming towards the end of shift, I have the feeling that i was almost fainted out. Thought of coming back home with a good meal, but then, I dont feel like eating it. Its not that I dont appreciated but there's really something wrong in my mind somewhere why I refused to eat what my mother cooked earlier. I really need to figure this out as soon as possible.

Aside from that, things to note. Gotta make everything moment worth it, at the same time not exerting my limits. Nisa also brought up about having a new line of job to offer which is Data Entry. Gotta look that up soon. As long as it pays the bills rather than pushing myself to get orders after orders. What I can do to make it better tho? Where can I actually improve more? One thing is never gonna stop, keep working myself out. The things especially consists of subconcious actions and thoughts. I saw a few improvements. At least a few but not alot. Still can be better. A lil bit more selfless towards Nisa. Agreeing and compromising things that we can do to make things better towards each other that is the first. 

That is all for today about today's summary. Keep working Ilyas, be better, control what you can control. Change where you can change.

Episode 186 - Finance Crisis

 Today went quite well despite i ditched my work. There's some I can do to make it better like being firm, be more intuitive on my actions and potray that I can do better as a person. Her friends came by I felt very nervous, more timid yet trying not to be awkward. As for Fad and Dinie, those two were really goals but I cant say anything to them cause it isnt my place on their own decisions. As what i say this due to they can make better choice and have a more finance's safety nets that they can actually do. Even it is a good investment on the long run, but the space they're gonna live is abit "cramped" as i can say? Enough of that, I am proud I can meet them and make them as one of examples that I can be in the future. 

As the day going to end, I just wanna say that I dont know why I'm feeling slightly negative. Reason being Nisa's actually pointed out that she worry about my finance choices and not living under paycheck after paycheck. I really need to do something about it. As she said, gotta have a fixed schedule. Be firm and stick to it no matter what. Along with my on going character development. I need to re-evaluate this and process this cause time will not wait for me. The next course of action I can take is, earn as much as I can without exceeding my body's limit. 

That is for today's summary. 

Episode 185 - Missing Piece

 I feel there's a missing piece as of why Nisa's is mad at me. I need to retrace everything back from start before i picked her up from office. It was okay throughout from there. Did my chores as i should. Went out and meet her. And so told her everything that she needed to know about the timing to meet my friend but i dont know where to meet them, so i just waited Dann to update me. And so, she wanted to change clothes when she went back home. I followed back, and do whatever she needed to do. 

Afterwards, we decide to go back to my place while wait for the others. Chill out a bit, and just be at our own space. The odds on me to be very composed is literally consistent. Got everything under control, be it the way I approach, the way i use my sentences and everything i got it figured out. To access everything I had to do. Sad news is, the outing was cancelled. So i thought we can just to Dann's house since Wati is working at his house. Nisa's idea was being brought up since our budget is kinda low, she told whether they can come to my house instead. So i told them as per se, and they agreed on it. 

When the night time comes, they came over, talked, making new acquatainces, and got together pretty well. Im happy that my friends are acquainted with her. She's happy to meet my friends too. It makes me delighted that they got well with each other.

Episode 184 - Second day Diary

 So what I did for today, i woke up and immediately put myself to make my bed. Went out for swab test, eventhough I am late, but I managed to get there as soon as possible and cheapest too. Had my heavy lunch for work earlier on. Due to my lateness this morning, everything delayed. So I need to work on that to make myself to be a morning person instead of night. Where I can improvise is actually more on my laziness habit throughout the years, what I can do is waking up early. 

So for my shift earlier on, I make good progress by looking for hotspots on deliveries to make my day much more productive. Had 15 orders which is quite good. Not as good the other day's shift which had 21 orders in a day. But hey, at least I picked a shift which is earlier and earlier. Slowly coping with the new lifestyle and I can see a small progress. 

Had an interesting talk with Nisa, I see that I am not neglecting her words. Had a debate on a continuing school. What i her point of view was, it took sometime after ITE, to pursue her diploma, had an abusive boyfriend, plus going to her urine test every now and then. I feel that if I were to be in her shoes, I would be stressed out but I am amazed she pulled through that hardship. I believe it is not "everyday" for someone actually doing something different while being pulled down by negative surroundings. And I am deeply moved on where she pulled through. But I decided maybe not now, I will make a pin on that so that I can go back on study since finance is not on my side just yet. 

So till then, another day, another event. Things important note that I can change is my punctuality, maybe improving on listening and getting the right statement right so that I can understand what they are trying to say. Indefinitely going to keep up the good work on my shift today. 

Road to be better. 

Episode 183 - The First Step

This is the first step that i create on my mind. In order to earn her trust, in my mind all I think of were how would a selfless person act or do. So I just did just that. The cue was obvious, the craving for her to smile, the effort do to make her smile by making her laugh, the reward was she's okay and happy. 

It was one of the changes I did to break off my selfishness during the relationship. She had soo many that left her or cheated on her. But I'm not doing just that. I'm gonna improve and change all the things that I once destroyed her. She has been trying to guide me what ways I can do indirectly by showing videos, TikTok, or quotes from pictures to help me learn. I can make this guideline on my mindset soo that in the future I can be automatic as a person and anticipate everything that she wants and needs. Insya allah I'm able to do just that with extra effort all the way. 

Before the year end, I'm gonna unlearn all the unneccessary things that was useless and move with more positive and keeping the relationship not by just saying. As I reflect back, I wasnt only selfish but I was also narcissist. In which is really got me fucked up big time. What i wanna from now on, stop everything, and do what a emphatic selfless person would do for a partner. 

Till then, I will keep posting on what i did and improvements I made so far.

Episode 182 - Mirror on a different angle

I'm still awake by the fact on my own actions. The actions that can't be amended neither be resolved. One has own limits, be it with patience, love, and the amount taken of sacrifices. I took advantage being left with own selfishness. With the subject of selfish, there must be reason/s why. Is there something I left unsaid in my past? Is there the wrong lessons I took with and brought it forth and making people more hurt? 

She didn't deserve this kind of treatment. She deserves better and she already kept emphasizing that since from the start. I knew that she got the best treatment and I failed to give the bare minimum in overall. I lost my common sense for my own advantage, I failed to remember everything that has been taught due to my own selfishness. Now, with all the consequences has been placed upon on me, that I brought myself on my own accord, I should be ashamed and feel sorry that I stooped all time low. 

I'm too egoistic to realize. I know I won't be forgiven for I have done but to grieve and take account to realize for my reckless mistake. It wasn't a harsh decision from her. It was a reasonable and logic decision. I literally failed to make initiatives on many different scenarios. She made it clear how one shows the love to another. It is already an example. Did I observe carefully? No. Did I take notes? No? What I did? Being SELFISH. There I am stranded in an empty space being left by selfishness. Why can't I buck up and realize it sooner when every time it is too little too late to realize? It is really not ideal when every single freaking time when someone is detached from me then I trying to self reflect. Not once, not twice, BUT EVERY FUCKING TIME ilyas. every fucking time. 

Let alone sitting in a dark empty room, reflecting all of my pasts. It has been all the same mistakes over and over again and it took really long time for me to figure out. Why? Just why? Why cant I be someone reliable? Why can't I be consistent? Why can't I be more observant? Where did i miss or not done? Is there really something holding me back? Is there something worth to hold on? Why? It is a fucking redundant. Why do I wanna love someone just to fill up a void that hasn't been fully heal? You're fucked up Ilyas. You really are. You're back to fucking square one from 2010. You have alot of wonderful partners. The reason they left you, you just dont have the effort to buck up, but only on what you want in life. It is impossible for you to have something wonderful if you don't if you cant earn it by doing the same as they did to you. Why can't you see that? You need to stop this really. Stop everything and fucking learn to be better as a whole not on physical wise, but everything there is to a person and partner. You cant resort back from an old flame. What makes it would be a better cause of it? What does it lead to? You had what was lost by own mistakes and you said it yourself it is fucking forbidden and what more you want? If you are physically there, I would beat my own self. Now everything is gone, everything you "build" has gone. What have you build anyways? Don't you have any sense what you did to people whom are innocent and just want the simplest life there is to offer? Why do you have to be hard on people whom actually carrying your burden. YOUR FUCKING BURDEN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.  THEY DID NOTHING BUT LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE AND THERE YOU BEING FUCKING SELFISH. for fuck sakes, grow fucking pair of balls and grow the fuck up. You're not living as a 12 or 16 for a matter of fact. You're fucking 30. There is literally nothing that you have achieved during the time. So what you thought you got it all dialed down. There's literally nothing Ilyas. None. Zero. 

Episode 181 - The Sudden Silent

 I do not have the intention to make you mad. As I'm doing the best that I can. You're my person as I should have. The loving endlessly, the non-stopping annoying me. I love it as you are. As you sleep soundly, I shall not disturb your peace as I respect your space as you respect mine. I didn't meant to make you cry as I know you have the tendency to hurt me while you tickle. 

You're always be loved by me endlessly, as I worked hard for us, you deserved to be rested and well mentally prepared for anything. You've done soo much for us, it is my time to shine as I pull through everything on my arsenal. 

I love you, Khairunnisa Haziqah. 

Episode 180- cheers to 115 days.

if i had to write about the most beautiful things i've seen, i would write about you.

only you.

i would write a poem about everything i love about you, just as i'm doing now.

your laugh, your smile.

how you always seems to know how to say the right things.

you are what i look forward to every morning.

you are what brings me happiness.

i would get no sleep, just so it meant that you would sleep comfortably.

i would do anything, just to see you happy, my love.

looking into your eyes makes me realize you're the kind of love i crave at all times.

the kind of love where we can just exist and be happy.

the show up at your house to cheer you up kind of love.

the kind of love where we're dancing in the kitchen at 3am with no care in the world.

the "just hold my hand" kind of love.

the kind of love that finally makes you understand why you want to be in love.

why you're so in love with the idea of love.

the kind of love where every moment is magical.

thats what i want love to be

and i hope that my love wont be a fantasy.

finally, i have found my person.

xx,

nf.

Episode 179 - Day 1

 I have not done anything to impress someone I loved the most. I miss her truly. I need to get my mind to focus on things I need to grow as a person. She's always been special for me and it is not a just a phase or any other lessons that I ever gone through. I want to know how she is truly, so that I can anticipate it before she can even say it. I want to grow as a person where people will look up to me and say "I love you, I appreciate you with what you have to offer in the relationship, your hard work will be paying off. I promise that rest assured I will not give up." It hurts me to even think about it. I still need to lay off what I can do better on it, what I can take note of earlier, what I can say and make it a better sentence. 

Soo much in my mind, soo much to resolve on my own, soo much worries. What else do I deserve this.

Progress of Day 1. 

Episode 178 - Love Lasts

Definitive of true love on my own perspective, 

Its not only about how you have/had arguments, what context either one has rose upon on the topic. before it turns into toxic and draining one. 

It is about never giving one up, put full trust, self awareness, sustaining the peace, choice of words, loving one another endlessly, having understanding on where he/she coming from and validation. It has taught me by far is the eye opener as what life is as it is. A lot of adaptations and self learning through mistakes, removing bad traits to become better as person and partner. Staying through thick and thin together and acknowledge every feelings, every reason and listen thoroughly.

Its just not a usual nudge and back to old habits after 5 minutes, it has changed me to become self aware and put it on a daily tasks. She really taught me what I fail to teach myself. She knows what she wants, and out of love I want to become better and be the best for her. And in due time, after everything, I can manage to pull myself together, more sustenance within me, and focus with no stress. 

I appreciate and thank you for coming to my life, teaching and investing your time on me, even when you're done with me. I'll make yours worth it. 

Thank you, KHBA

Episode 177 - 13

 Its that time of the month, where everything burning down over again. Even it ended in a good note, I still hoping she's there and stay all the time. There's changes that needed through myself. Get myself checked on mental and where I go wrong.

She's an amazing, spontaneous, outstanding, pot-headed, and some words cant described how great she is. She helped through a lot of my unpacking unsettled mind. I miss how she smiled, laugh, and revengeful in a good way. The little things that helped through with it to keep going. Accepting the fact on how it is, even she's gone, I still do love her over and over everyday. I just need to be better everyday. 

Episode 176 - Moonlight Lovers

 To start off, these kind of people whom they called themselves as selenophile, often ponder my mind a lot. Do they not like the sun where it shines the most? I mean they should know that moon doesn't produce light on its own but it reflects from the sun itself isn't it?

As people loves how dim the moon gives the light, eventually it makes people feel calm, reflected of their own by their success and even gives them hope. But little did they know its actually changes every now and then slowly it doesn't shine at all. Just by the moonlight given from the sun rays shines, these people appreciate the night falls and sees the stars shines along with it which makes it more fairy tale like scenery. And by the solar system given how our universe works, they are more composed, focus on how little things do, and literally doesn't care about how their day went. Or even how negative they encounter throughout the day and just stare by the moonlight. 

And even the dimmest of rays given of the moon from the sun, it actually brightens up the darkest places and helps us encounter from the darkest version of us, there is still light for us to bring us out from. And I believe even these kinds get through the toughest shits and pull on through as how the moon revolves around us giving the light every now and then.

Episode 175 - Sunset Chasers

 In any context, terms or perspective when meeting this kind of people. They're lovable, fragile, happy go lucky, and down to earth. They will always look at the end of the day where the sun sets gently towards to silent cold nights. I have been dealing a lot in my mind. Sometimes to share with them, and really open up with them to have them understand your despairs, remorse and regrets over time. It makes what I felt before came back all over again. 

It pains me to go over that again. And seeing you saying that you deserve better more than this, makes me feel I'm useless and never gonna love someone and eventually leave like the others did to me. As much as I wanna amend what my mistakes are, what I can do. My head is going overdrive because of this, anytime soon my head is gonna ask me a lot of questions, my anxiety and insecurities will be in anytime. And without my realizing it, I am back in the pit of void. 

And now, my communications has gone to shit. I don't know how to respond, because I feel everything is my fault? I feel that everyone will pinpoint back at me? I feel that I have no escape or whatever meaning that I will accept the consequences of being hurt, abandonment, destroyed? Whatever I have to say its not valid to people cause I can never cut out to able to fight for me and ends up in some trash locations where no one remembers anyone. 

She may says it is already under the bridge, my guts says its not really there. She hid it somewhere else. I must find out and help her with it. And hopefully I am not too late. 

Episode 174 - Another chapter

 After all the battles that I went through in life, I deserve something out of it. No matter what it takes, I feel that I can make best out of it. To last it as I can. Not due to my own desires, but my own good intentions that I needed truly. I'm gonna face a lot more new challenges in life, to see it a new angles, new perspective and maybe a whole different experience. 

I look forward for it without any grand expectations. I'm accepting in each and everything about it. I'll keep my goals and objective clear in my head. And let time will tell each and everyone. 

Episode 173 - Solitary

 In toughest times, I was questioned and doomed by it. It wasn't a picnic by having all these questioning that has been cursed by me throughout. Some are even unanswerable for myself. Even it's just life. As it is, it wasn't just there. It is more than meets the eye. 

Now the question is, am I going to worth her time? Am I going to change and pursue her everyday? Making efforts, making time, making her like as if it is my own best friend all over again?

I feel like I'm ready. My guts telling me to take it slow. I just don't know. But I'll know when we both talked.

Episode 172 - the great fallacy

 im trying my best daily, but still i dont feel anything was improved, to get my positive mindset back. I have nothing to hold on, to build something from nothing. To be damned for a long time, its a really shitty feeling. 

Episode 171 - Ripple Effect

As I thought it'll never end, I'm still inside a loop. I'm afraid that I will never be appreciate love since self - loving is too much for me. Keep spending on my own benefits, in a good way. But, do I ever get to appreciate someone else's love? Do I keep hanging on? Do I ever get to fulfill my dreams to migrate overseas? What is my endgame? 

I still have to keep my faith up, and pray to HIM and keep pursuing every single needs of what I meant to do. I don't wanna disappoint others ever again. I need to prepare everything before I can settle down with I have learnt. I don't have much time to waste. I have to get everything to give.

Episode 170 - Insignificant of the troubled man

Episode 170 - Insignificant of the troubled man

As days goes by, i thought i felt there was nothing to lose. But I was mistaken, terribly mistaken. And so i felt the dream so surreal and I felt the comfort came from her to keep moving forward and still lied to her that I'm doing okay in which I'm obviously am not. 

I literally have no one to keep loving me. To not giving up like she did. I literally fucking hate to feel this way. To feel unwanted, to feel abandon by all sorts. I feel fucking worthless in each every aspect. I dont know what else to look.

To keep telling myself over and over again its just a obstacle that im facing, it is just a phase that people go through. I myself dont know where to start. I cant date or be as charismatic as I am before. I don't know how to love someone truly ever again. I dreamt of her that she had moved on from everything. I know she did. But me? I'm still here feeling the sadness, anxiety every now and then. 

I failed to keep myself sane. To keep my goals straight. Never I finished what I've started. I keeping myself in a cold dark room to keep myself isolate. The one woman I thought to keep myself contented, loved  and focused to become a better man had left in terms on my own selfish decisions. 

I failed as a person that let her go. In my own greed, lust and satisfactory results on complementing me as a person. I cant do this anymore. I've been hanging on this baggage for a certain time. When will it truly and be given as a blessing instead of a curse?

 Episode 169 - Alone and broken

Days gone day by day, sooner or later it'll no longer has been fade to black. All alone lost in forest demanding of where to go next of course of action. 2021 is hell of a year. the year of the damned, be it physically and mentally. 

To keep persevering, pushing through day by day basis, is really mentally challenging. To not feel depressed through work and every day life in front of friends is an act. But I'm grateful enough that I have great friends that willing to help everything that I've been through. To be grateful and blessed that the least I have friends stayed throughout my entire journey.