Episode 172 - the great fallacy

 im trying my best daily, but still i dont feel anything was improved, to get my positive mindset back. I have nothing to hold on, to build something from nothing. To be damned for a long time, its a really shitty feeling. 

Episode 171 - Ripple Effect

As I thought it'll never end, I'm still inside a loop. I'm afraid that I will never be appreciate love since self - loving is too much for me. Keep spending on my own benefits, in a good way. But, do I ever get to appreciate someone else's love? Do I keep hanging on? Do I ever get to fulfill my dreams to migrate overseas? What is my endgame? 

I still have to keep my faith up, and pray to HIM and keep pursuing every single needs of what I meant to do. I don't wanna disappoint others ever again. I need to prepare everything before I can settle down with I have learnt. I don't have much time to waste. I have to get everything to give.

Episode 170 - Insignificant of the troubled man

Episode 170 - Insignificant of the troubled man

As days goes by, i thought i felt there was nothing to lose. But I was mistaken, terribly mistaken. And so i felt the dream so surreal and I felt the comfort came from her to keep moving forward and still lied to her that I'm doing okay in which I'm obviously am not. 

I literally have no one to keep loving me. To not giving up like she did. I literally fucking hate to feel this way. To feel unwanted, to feel abandon by all sorts. I feel fucking worthless in each every aspect. I dont know what else to look.

To keep telling myself over and over again its just a obstacle that im facing, it is just a phase that people go through. I myself dont know where to start. I cant date or be as charismatic as I am before. I don't know how to love someone truly ever again. I dreamt of her that she had moved on from everything. I know she did. But me? I'm still here feeling the sadness, anxiety every now and then. 

I failed to keep myself sane. To keep my goals straight. Never I finished what I've started. I keeping myself in a cold dark room to keep myself isolate. The one woman I thought to keep myself contented, loved  and focused to become a better man had left in terms on my own selfish decisions. 

I failed as a person that let her go. In my own greed, lust and satisfactory results on complementing me as a person. I cant do this anymore. I've been hanging on this baggage for a certain time. When will it truly and be given as a blessing instead of a curse?