Episode 187 - Work It Out

 So basically today is really tiring that's one and the other is, for one whole shift today i gotten 27 orders in total. Pretty good for myself tho. Order after order non stop. But coming towards the end of shift, I have the feeling that i was almost fainted out. Thought of coming back home with a good meal, but then, I dont feel like eating it. Its not that I dont appreciated but there's really something wrong in my mind somewhere why I refused to eat what my mother cooked earlier. I really need to figure this out as soon as possible.

Aside from that, things to note. Gotta make everything moment worth it, at the same time not exerting my limits. Nisa also brought up about having a new line of job to offer which is Data Entry. Gotta look that up soon. As long as it pays the bills rather than pushing myself to get orders after orders. What I can do to make it better tho? Where can I actually improve more? One thing is never gonna stop, keep working myself out. The things especially consists of subconcious actions and thoughts. I saw a few improvements. At least a few but not alot. Still can be better. A lil bit more selfless towards Nisa. Agreeing and compromising things that we can do to make things better towards each other that is the first. 

That is all for today about today's summary. Keep working Ilyas, be better, control what you can control. Change where you can change.

Episode 186 - Finance Crisis

 Today went quite well despite i ditched my work. There's some I can do to make it better like being firm, be more intuitive on my actions and potray that I can do better as a person. Her friends came by I felt very nervous, more timid yet trying not to be awkward. As for Fad and Dinie, those two were really goals but I cant say anything to them cause it isnt my place on their own decisions. As what i say this due to they can make better choice and have a more finance's safety nets that they can actually do. Even it is a good investment on the long run, but the space they're gonna live is abit "cramped" as i can say? Enough of that, I am proud I can meet them and make them as one of examples that I can be in the future. 

As the day going to end, I just wanna say that I dont know why I'm feeling slightly negative. Reason being Nisa's actually pointed out that she worry about my finance choices and not living under paycheck after paycheck. I really need to do something about it. As she said, gotta have a fixed schedule. Be firm and stick to it no matter what. Along with my on going character development. I need to re-evaluate this and process this cause time will not wait for me. The next course of action I can take is, earn as much as I can without exceeding my body's limit. 

That is for today's summary. 

Episode 185 - Missing Piece

 I feel there's a missing piece as of why Nisa's is mad at me. I need to retrace everything back from start before i picked her up from office. It was okay throughout from there. Did my chores as i should. Went out and meet her. And so told her everything that she needed to know about the timing to meet my friend but i dont know where to meet them, so i just waited Dann to update me. And so, she wanted to change clothes when she went back home. I followed back, and do whatever she needed to do. 

Afterwards, we decide to go back to my place while wait for the others. Chill out a bit, and just be at our own space. The odds on me to be very composed is literally consistent. Got everything under control, be it the way I approach, the way i use my sentences and everything i got it figured out. To access everything I had to do. Sad news is, the outing was cancelled. So i thought we can just to Dann's house since Wati is working at his house. Nisa's idea was being brought up since our budget is kinda low, she told whether they can come to my house instead. So i told them as per se, and they agreed on it. 

When the night time comes, they came over, talked, making new acquatainces, and got together pretty well. Im happy that my friends are acquainted with her. She's happy to meet my friends too. It makes me delighted that they got well with each other.

Episode 184 - Second day Diary

 So what I did for today, i woke up and immediately put myself to make my bed. Went out for swab test, eventhough I am late, but I managed to get there as soon as possible and cheapest too. Had my heavy lunch for work earlier on. Due to my lateness this morning, everything delayed. So I need to work on that to make myself to be a morning person instead of night. Where I can improvise is actually more on my laziness habit throughout the years, what I can do is waking up early. 

So for my shift earlier on, I make good progress by looking for hotspots on deliveries to make my day much more productive. Had 15 orders which is quite good. Not as good the other day's shift which had 21 orders in a day. But hey, at least I picked a shift which is earlier and earlier. Slowly coping with the new lifestyle and I can see a small progress. 

Had an interesting talk with Nisa, I see that I am not neglecting her words. Had a debate on a continuing school. What i her point of view was, it took sometime after ITE, to pursue her diploma, had an abusive boyfriend, plus going to her urine test every now and then. I feel that if I were to be in her shoes, I would be stressed out but I am amazed she pulled through that hardship. I believe it is not "everyday" for someone actually doing something different while being pulled down by negative surroundings. And I am deeply moved on where she pulled through. But I decided maybe not now, I will make a pin on that so that I can go back on study since finance is not on my side just yet. 

So till then, another day, another event. Things important note that I can change is my punctuality, maybe improving on listening and getting the right statement right so that I can understand what they are trying to say. Indefinitely going to keep up the good work on my shift today. 

Road to be better. 

Episode 183 - The First Step

This is the first step that i create on my mind. In order to earn her trust, in my mind all I think of were how would a selfless person act or do. So I just did just that. The cue was obvious, the craving for her to smile, the effort do to make her smile by making her laugh, the reward was she's okay and happy. 

It was one of the changes I did to break off my selfishness during the relationship. She had soo many that left her or cheated on her. But I'm not doing just that. I'm gonna improve and change all the things that I once destroyed her. She has been trying to guide me what ways I can do indirectly by showing videos, TikTok, or quotes from pictures to help me learn. I can make this guideline on my mindset soo that in the future I can be automatic as a person and anticipate everything that she wants and needs. Insya allah I'm able to do just that with extra effort all the way. 

Before the year end, I'm gonna unlearn all the unneccessary things that was useless and move with more positive and keeping the relationship not by just saying. As I reflect back, I wasnt only selfish but I was also narcissist. In which is really got me fucked up big time. What i wanna from now on, stop everything, and do what a emphatic selfless person would do for a partner. 

Till then, I will keep posting on what i did and improvements I made so far.

Episode 182 - Mirror on a different angle

I'm still awake by the fact on my own actions. The actions that can't be amended neither be resolved. One has own limits, be it with patience, love, and the amount taken of sacrifices. I took advantage being left with own selfishness. With the subject of selfish, there must be reason/s why. Is there something I left unsaid in my past? Is there the wrong lessons I took with and brought it forth and making people more hurt? 

She didn't deserve this kind of treatment. She deserves better and she already kept emphasizing that since from the start. I knew that she got the best treatment and I failed to give the bare minimum in overall. I lost my common sense for my own advantage, I failed to remember everything that has been taught due to my own selfishness. Now, with all the consequences has been placed upon on me, that I brought myself on my own accord, I should be ashamed and feel sorry that I stooped all time low. 

I'm too egoistic to realize. I know I won't be forgiven for I have done but to grieve and take account to realize for my reckless mistake. It wasn't a harsh decision from her. It was a reasonable and logic decision. I literally failed to make initiatives on many different scenarios. She made it clear how one shows the love to another. It is already an example. Did I observe carefully? No. Did I take notes? No? What I did? Being SELFISH. There I am stranded in an empty space being left by selfishness. Why can't I buck up and realize it sooner when every time it is too little too late to realize? It is really not ideal when every single freaking time when someone is detached from me then I trying to self reflect. Not once, not twice, BUT EVERY FUCKING TIME ilyas. every fucking time. 

Let alone sitting in a dark empty room, reflecting all of my pasts. It has been all the same mistakes over and over again and it took really long time for me to figure out. Why? Just why? Why cant I be someone reliable? Why can't I be consistent? Why can't I be more observant? Where did i miss or not done? Is there really something holding me back? Is there something worth to hold on? Why? It is a fucking redundant. Why do I wanna love someone just to fill up a void that hasn't been fully heal? You're fucked up Ilyas. You really are. You're back to fucking square one from 2010. You have alot of wonderful partners. The reason they left you, you just dont have the effort to buck up, but only on what you want in life. It is impossible for you to have something wonderful if you don't if you cant earn it by doing the same as they did to you. Why can't you see that? You need to stop this really. Stop everything and fucking learn to be better as a whole not on physical wise, but everything there is to a person and partner. You cant resort back from an old flame. What makes it would be a better cause of it? What does it lead to? You had what was lost by own mistakes and you said it yourself it is fucking forbidden and what more you want? If you are physically there, I would beat my own self. Now everything is gone, everything you "build" has gone. What have you build anyways? Don't you have any sense what you did to people whom are innocent and just want the simplest life there is to offer? Why do you have to be hard on people whom actually carrying your burden. YOUR FUCKING BURDEN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.  THEY DID NOTHING BUT LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE AND THERE YOU BEING FUCKING SELFISH. for fuck sakes, grow fucking pair of balls and grow the fuck up. You're not living as a 12 or 16 for a matter of fact. You're fucking 30. There is literally nothing that you have achieved during the time. So what you thought you got it all dialed down. There's literally nothing Ilyas. None. Zero. 

Episode 181 - The Sudden Silent

 I do not have the intention to make you mad. As I'm doing the best that I can. You're my person as I should have. The loving endlessly, the non-stopping annoying me. I love it as you are. As you sleep soundly, I shall not disturb your peace as I respect your space as you respect mine. I didn't meant to make you cry as I know you have the tendency to hurt me while you tickle. 

You're always be loved by me endlessly, as I worked hard for us, you deserved to be rested and well mentally prepared for anything. You've done soo much for us, it is my time to shine as I pull through everything on my arsenal. 

I love you, Khairunnisa Haziqah. 

Episode 180- cheers to 115 days.

if i had to write about the most beautiful things i've seen, i would write about you.

only you.

i would write a poem about everything i love about you, just as i'm doing now.

your laugh, your smile.

how you always seems to know how to say the right things.

you are what i look forward to every morning.

you are what brings me happiness.

i would get no sleep, just so it meant that you would sleep comfortably.

i would do anything, just to see you happy, my love.

looking into your eyes makes me realize you're the kind of love i crave at all times.

the kind of love where we can just exist and be happy.

the show up at your house to cheer you up kind of love.

the kind of love where we're dancing in the kitchen at 3am with no care in the world.

the "just hold my hand" kind of love.

the kind of love that finally makes you understand why you want to be in love.

why you're so in love with the idea of love.

the kind of love where every moment is magical.

thats what i want love to be

and i hope that my love wont be a fantasy.

finally, i have found my person.

xx,

nf.