I'm still awake by the fact on my own actions. The actions that can't be amended neither be resolved. One has own limits, be it with patience, love, and the amount taken of sacrifices. I took advantage being left with own selfishness. With the subject of selfish, there must be reason/s why. Is there something I left unsaid in my past? Is there the wrong lessons I took with and brought it forth and making people more hurt?
She didn't deserve this kind of treatment. She deserves better and she already kept emphasizing that since from the start. I knew that she got the best treatment and I failed to give the bare minimum in overall. I lost my common sense for my own advantage, I failed to remember everything that has been taught due to my own selfishness. Now, with all the consequences has been placed upon on me, that I brought myself on my own accord, I should be ashamed and feel sorry that I stooped all time low.
I'm too egoistic to realize. I know I won't be forgiven for I have done but to grieve and take account to realize for my reckless mistake. It wasn't a harsh decision from her. It was a reasonable and logic decision. I literally failed to make initiatives on many different scenarios. She made it clear how one shows the love to another. It is already an example. Did I observe carefully? No. Did I take notes? No? What I did? Being SELFISH. There I am stranded in an empty space being left by selfishness. Why can't I buck up and realize it sooner when every time it is too little too late to realize? It is really not ideal when every single freaking time when someone is detached from me then I trying to self reflect. Not once, not twice, BUT EVERY FUCKING TIME ilyas. every fucking time.
Let alone sitting in a dark empty room, reflecting all of my pasts. It has been all the same mistakes over and over again and it took really long time for me to figure out. Why? Just why? Why cant I be someone reliable? Why can't I be consistent? Why can't I be more observant? Where did i miss or not done? Is there really something holding me back? Is there something worth to hold on? Why? It is a fucking redundant. Why do I wanna love someone just to fill up a void that hasn't been fully heal? You're fucked up Ilyas. You really are. You're back to fucking square one from 2010. You have alot of wonderful partners. The reason they left you, you just dont have the effort to buck up, but only on what you want in life. It is impossible for you to have something wonderful if you don't if you cant earn it by doing the same as they did to you. Why can't you see that? You need to stop this really. Stop everything and fucking learn to be better as a whole not on physical wise, but everything there is to a person and partner. You cant resort back from an old flame. What makes it would be a better cause of it? What does it lead to? You had what was lost by own mistakes and you said it yourself it is fucking forbidden and what more you want? If you are physically there, I would beat my own self. Now everything is gone, everything you "build" has gone. What have you build anyways? Don't you have any sense what you did to people whom are innocent and just want the simplest life there is to offer? Why do you have to be hard on people whom actually carrying your burden. YOUR FUCKING BURDEN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. THEY DID NOTHING BUT LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE AND THERE YOU BEING FUCKING SELFISH. for fuck sakes, grow fucking pair of balls and grow the fuck up. You're not living as a 12 or 16 for a matter of fact. You're fucking 30. There is literally nothing that you have achieved during the time. So what you thought you got it all dialed down. There's literally nothing Ilyas. None. Zero.
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