Episode 196 - Time is just a concept

 To start a new year I thought I can be a better human being from understanding perspective and access to a better communication. I really thought I had it with a friend whom traits is as closed as my ex-wife. And yes, it is close to settle a divorce. I just did not accept this reality to come true as it is. I have to eventually to live alone again, with just lessons after lessons. 

It has been rough and still grieving. I had been crying and still not yet to get a good cry. It is only a periods of crying. I know that I am not strong enough to face this alone. A lot of thoughts, feelings and emotional heaviness within me. And every time it gets better, it always comes a heavier tests. I made a friend that helps me cope with this kind of things. She's unique, smart and broken same as me. We talked and communicated like we've been friends for so long. But all good things must come to an end. And I feel a sign for me that this is a cycle in a way? I can't be comfortable at any point of time. Have to say guarded, be on my toes always. And it sucks. It is tiring. And I have to go on. 

I have to end the friendship since it was becoming towards a nightmare for me. I could not love anyone else anymore as much how I loved my ex-wife anymore. It has been always reserved for her and only her. Not anyone else. She told me if I can love her as much as I did, I can love harder. And it is not wrong. But at the end if shit hits the fan, I am going to be more in pain than I am now and I can not risk it. I just could not. I dont have enough love to pour to other people. I just need a connection to move this shit show called life. So I finally put my foot down and told her that there'll be no more intimacy other than just friends in which I implement from start.

And I feel its my fault to start with getting her feeling hooked and I didn't realise I used her vulnerability and resources to my needs as it was not intended to be that way. I don't know how I would move on from this. It is all soo confusing.

So fuck this shit.