Episode 200 - Practical Society

So as a part of this called society, I have to step away from it, and focus on what to be done. The things I myself only have to faced. My makeshift girlfriend/friend has been helping all ways that she can to support and to guide me as tools are there for me to recuperate.

And thus another thing has come up among all the problems that I have faced, the divorce, the bank account freezing, I'll do my best to settle it as soon as possible.

My time will come with maximum effort.

Episode 199 - Inconvenience

 As much as I don't want it to be seen as inconvenience, but it has happened to me. So the thing is, I have outstanding debts for sure. Another is divorce settlement fees and nafkah and what not. Another is bills I have to pay.

I trying my best to settle as soon as I can but this police isn't helping me at all. My bank has been frozen for good 2 weeks and it is not settled yet. I got no money to spend and everything that I need to. It sucks to be prompted that my ex-wife is asking for nafkah. Soo there it goes of the saying fuck my life literally.

I swear I don't know how it gonna go, just trying to get the best outcome for me to settle all this stupid thing. I just hope everything is gonna be okay.

Episode 198 - Self reflection Period

 Soo the things I did for today is total self reflection as to where my well being and mental health. It is not much, so I try to keep it short and sweet as what I did.

This morning I had a bad dream regarding on my ex-wife and it is not a good sign and maybe a little missing her presence and feelings is all I felt after the dream. After I was awake, went to a normal routine, went to toilet, washed my face, and I finally did my daily exercises after soo long and man, it burns the hell out of my body but it's good that I finally get to feel the burn all the emotions that aren't benefits me in the long run. As I did those exercises, I plan where I can improve, what I can control, and where should I start so that's a good sign.

So on the question on what did I survive today? Most prolly all the drama that I can avoid and making things clear soo no one will get hurt and be straightforward. I managed to tell without feeling a remorse on what I did want and need. I want and need peace in life, where I'll accept everything and anything that this life has to offer. 

Where did I show up for myself, even a little? I did exercise soo there's that. I maintained my bed as soon as I got up for the day. I gotten myself a glass of water and ate my daily supplements as a form of self love.

What am i grateful I didn't do? So as to this question, maybe I feel I am grateful that I didn't chose violence each and every single day as to feel hatred to my ex wife. I still remain peace and try not to linger those moments and feelings that I had to day.

Soo lastly, what can wait until tomorrow? This one I feel more on packing, i can pack my stuff tomorrow for this Saturday's staycation with this friend of mine. I don't know if i say friend but I know it is quite complexed in that sense. She loves me but I just can't put myself in that position. So I just reciprocate the feelings the same way as her.

And that is for today self reflection. To keep changing to be better and to heal to become a better person!

Keep up the good work Ilyas!

Episode 197 - Divorced and Depressed

 These past few days have not been kind as I still recuperating all the moments and struggles within my mind and body. I am still healing from what actions I did not only by my ex-wife, but also by past exes. I reflected back on the things my actions, words, and even body language. I never knew that it would impact throughout my 35 years of life. Its good that I had this wake-up call in this point of life.

The friend that I cut off, and the ones that I made now, it's totally crazy on how they think and perspective. So as to my learning curve on this mental health. What I know it's literally just the tip of the iceberg. I have yet to explore what there's to a someone's mind. It is crazy to know and to explore the minds of clever and dumb people. Some are just don't bother to learn, some know but refuse to change and some are just willing to adapt. From where I am, I have a long way to go.

And for the first few weeks of being separated, it is not easy, as I have to do this on my own cause I don't have proper friends to guide or even just be present on where I was. I was in a deep shit. There's no light. But I thank and appreciate on the higher deity for everything that I have been blessed and helped and guide the way I was suppose to go. I will make use of this time to be a better person for me. 

I know I will not love anyone or even think of doing the work. I love where I am now and just giving the love that deserves the love I give. I need to go therapy one day that is for sure. Especially to get myself diagnose what's going inside my brain. Let's do this shit and whatever it is okay and everything will be fine.

I miss my ex-wife that is for sure. I regulate by knowing that it is okay to miss someone, especially the feeling. And it is going to be from time to time. It is okay man. It is just a feeling. I hope she is coping fine with everything that I did. I know it is catastrophic, I am fixing what I did.

I breaking the habit to lead a better life.

Episode 196 - Time is just a concept

 To start a new year I thought I can be a better human being from understanding perspective and access to a better communication. I really thought I had it with a friend whom traits is as closed as my ex-wife. And yes, it is close to settle a divorce. I just did not accept this reality to come true as it is. I have to eventually to live alone again, with just lessons after lessons. 

It has been rough and still grieving. I had been crying and still not yet to get a good cry. It is only a periods of crying. I know that I am not strong enough to face this alone. A lot of thoughts, feelings and emotional heaviness within me. And every time it gets better, it always comes a heavier tests. I made a friend that helps me cope with this kind of things. She's unique, smart and broken same as me. We talked and communicated like we've been friends for so long. But all good things must come to an end. And I feel a sign for me that this is a cycle in a way? I can't be comfortable at any point of time. Have to say guarded, be on my toes always. And it sucks. It is tiring. And I have to go on. 

I have to end the friendship since it was becoming towards a nightmare for me. I could not love anyone else anymore as much how I loved my ex-wife anymore. It has been always reserved for her and only her. Not anyone else. She told me if I can love her as much as I did, I can love harder. And it is not wrong. But at the end if shit hits the fan, I am going to be more in pain than I am now and I can not risk it. I just could not. I dont have enough love to pour to other people. I just need a connection to move this shit show called life. So I finally put my foot down and told her that there'll be no more intimacy other than just friends in which I implement from start.

And I feel its my fault to start with getting her feeling hooked and I didn't realise I used her vulnerability and resources to my needs as it was not intended to be that way. I don't know how I would move on from this. It is all soo confusing.

So fuck this shit. 

Episode 195 - Depress and question

 I was told that I am a narcissist and being avoidant in my life. Looking back I question this today, why I am this way. Is it because of my childhood that I wasn't being taught on how to confront my feelings? Is it because I don't know how to actually think that it is a mistake and set a boundaries? Or maybe there wasn't any manual how to become a man? Where do I stand in all of this? Where do I feel or do I actually reflect and making amends. 

I have been making amends or am I lying to myself that I'm making amends? Did I make changes and being consistent with it? Why is it that everything has to revolve around me? And the fact that I don't have the answers to fulfill the reasons why I am this way? Why? What do I want for all of this? Status? Rapport? Be a good being? Content? Getting bagged all the time? Being bullied? After someone's peace and destroy it?

Maybe I try to learn cause on my own terms, I came to understanding that nothing and no one will compromise to others until I have put down my boundaries. I have may disrespected some boundaries and neglect in overall. And I am scared and don't know how to love. I don't know how to love myself.

I am still trying and even when someone does not, maybe one day I'll end it all.

Episode 194 - Trace back

 Soo it's been two years since I last updated. A lot of things happen during this time. Soo to recap from last two years wasn't an easy feat. There was times where I was tired and gave up and some I learned and cherish these moments to fulfill my duties as a husband to my beloved wife. 

2022

This year is the year I got married, and literally forgot that I had my honeymoon on Swisshotel. It was pleasant but most of time, if I can recall, we only drank during the time and went out to get dinners and what not. Then from there is just full on work to buy a house. Well the house thing we did got it and made down payment like about $2000. It was a lot but it really help us in some way? We did got an early bird kinda deal. But hey, it is one of the rezeki I guess. And as how love marriage supposed to be, we fought a lot on disagreements, miscommunication and misunderstanding. I feel it is a process to learn that in some way, it helps me grow and learn on the needs and wants for a particular person. I have not yet reached the certain bar, I believe its getting me there till it comes to me like second nature.

2023

I feel this year was the worse one I got soo far. A lot of things happen during this year. We fought a lot during this year. A lot of screaming match and it got soo intense till we have no boundaries neither time if it was a good idea to burst out in the open. But we did had a good adventure to Ceningan, Bali for our post honeymoon. As per usual, we went out to get food and drinks no matter if its a fasting month or not. HAHAHA. But we manage to get a really good massage and deals when we're there. There was this resort we stumbled upon during our adventures. The scenery is just one of a kind of vibe. The cool wind with waves crashing and the greenery of the forestation are well preserved, And it was my first time to see the famous Yellow Bridge. The bike there was the main highlight for the both of us. There was one time where we were riding to go back to our hotel, the scene was dark and it really hard for us to see on the dark plus it was during nightfall. I was struggling to get the bikes light on. It was hectic! We had to use our phone to see the path ahead of us with very harsh gravel path leading to the actual main road. And soon as we see the main road, the bike headlight finally worked. Soo we tried not to talk about it until we went back to hotel. Our guess is, something interfered the lights as I were trying to troubleshoot to have it back on. After the post honeymoon, We are back hustling and getting our shit done as soon as the opportunity comes. So after the whole year passed, We are glad that we are doing better in communicating, learning the ropes of being good partners.

2024

This year has taught me a lot on self loving and thinking about my wife. We still have ups and downs as per normal. But we tried to head on for our problems efficiently I guess. But so far, for this year, after Batam trip has taught me a lot on things I should have focused a long time during our relationship close to 2 years. I realized that I have not been taking out my wife on dates, not learning her quirks and likes and dislikes. And to really do things pro-actively and initiating things during the relationship. It is not just the start of the relationship neither just dates. But to enjoy each other company and making core memories together. We smoked ALOT for sure. But it is the mark of my ending of reservist, like finally. Back to the Batam trip, it has opened up my perspective during my stay alone that I can cope but it is not as great having my partner around to enjoy the delicacies there. Soo there's that. And as soon as my birthday month came up, I did not have my expectations soo high up but I REALLY WISH I CAN GET HIGH!! but it was a lowkey birthday and I got a KFC chicken platter as my birthday cake even though it is a lot of chicken to dig in. I appreciated the gesture and the company that was there to celebrate. And now, here I am at Genting for the first time to experience the ambience, the cold mountain environment. It is really everchanging experience for now. I would come back here again to enjoy the breeze of the freezing winds. And next time, to bring more cash so that I can buy stuff for my wife.

So that's about it for the memories and as far as I can recall.

The process and the growth shows character of someone commitment can change to be better or worse depends on the mindset. Soo choose to be Day 1 or one day.